Posted by: jamesthethickheaded | February 1, 2013

My Phone Hates Me – Chapter Two

The following discourse addresses a running issue… nah… make that an EXPENSIVE issue. Back in the day… phones used to cost me $30 a month plus extra for the long distance you never used anyway. And say what you will, a 4-G phone ain’t givin’ me $100 or more worth of  “betterment” a month. This second chapter follows an earlier post, “Inigo Montoya and The Princess Phone” which gluttons for punishment may like better. Times were simpler once… and even simple enough even then.

So my phone hates me. Nothing new here. Okay… maybe it doesn’t hate me. Just thinks I’m stupid… as in stupid enough to support it in the luxury to which it’s oddly become accustomed. Like my kids phones? Yeah… only worse.

“Yeah… like so you need a 12-year-old to program me, add-in your rollodex and all that memory hogging junk… what’s with that? Big brain and oversize thumbs can’t handle it, huh? Sure. We phones got your number. Literally, man.. and it’s a lot smaller than you think. Really. No kidding. Almost as small as your IQ.  Like real… single digit… tops! Sorry…. I know, it’s hard to hear… but there you are… and you thought your IQ was something like 10 digits to match? Think again. We’ve seen you trying to text. Even watched you trying to fumble your way with an app, find something in your friends list… and why do you still keep dialing “Information” when you could just Google that puppy? Forget it. And btw… been watching your scores… whaddya mean you can’t even get past 100,000 on Temple Run! Hey… why don’t you just trade me in on an old rotary and carry that around in your pocket? Talk about pathetic! I wanna new user!”

Yeah… apparently has a high opinion of me. But I’m dealing with it. And it explains why it keeps downloading stuff without asking, sticking it on screens somewhere I don’t want or can’t find… and even annoys me with apps I can’t imagine ever using. So I delete them… and the phone takes it personal. As in: “Oh yeah… delete my friend? That was a great app! Sheesh! I’ll show you. There look at that! Two apps! And I put’em on your home screen where I used to keep the camera. Yeah… go find the camera now, buster! How you like dem app(les), huh? Who’s your Mama, now?”

So it’s making this personal and all.  Might even ‘splain how it got broken. I mean… I didn’t even do anything. Honest. Really… even the phone company believes me. Maybe.

Did get something weird on my voicemail at the house however… ’cause I can’t remember how to dial it on the cell… unless it’s in my “recently called numbers”.  Yeah… maybe the phone has a point. Anyway… message went something like: “Yeah… you’re so old you probably even like Neil Sedaka… howling out like this: ‘Breaking up… it’s not h-a-a-a-r-d to d-o-o-o-o-o do-wop ditty do-wop ditty doo doo …clang!” Yeah…. so maybe I am… even though Neil and I were never tight. Honest.

And the message came in ’bout the time the thing broke… but like I said, I’m not sure how. Most of the time, I’m in wireless zones and use it that way. So it’s only those odd moments when I actually want to use my phone as a phone… not an MP3 player, not a web surfer, not a chat machine… but an honest to goodness phone. And then it’s zero zip nada. But you get the picture… this is such a dated use… it’s like taking your wife out to dinner, sending her roses, and generally being nice: “Gee…  you remembered to be nice? Hey… and I thought we’d moved on….kind of passed that!” Huh? Well.. maybe not. Nice to go down memory lane every now and again with her… maybe even daily, huh?

But I guess to my phone this all seems ….just some kind of unrequited love. Not sure at who’s end it’s more unrequited… mine or it’s…. but I guess we don’t connect so well. And yeah… I know it’s an Android… but it’s way better than HTC Windows …a double loser phone I couldn’t even speak to or through, and it’s the first worthy successor to my iPhone-3 that was so slow by comparison it must have been a woolly caterpillar. But they all bust like the DooDah Man (and no, I didn’t pull the kid move when he/she wants a new phone and accidentally-on-purpose drops it) and I had to ship it off… ’cause I bought it directly from Google; Google said to “Take it to AT&T…”; and AT&T said, “You bought a jailbreak phone and did what with you SIM card? Can we arrest him for that?” and pretended not to find anything wrong… just so they could say, “Send it to Samsung.” So I called Samsung… which BTW, has decided to speak extremely softly (more on that later) and mostly by email. And to their credit, I shipped it UPS at their expense. Told me 2-days shipping, plus three-days to fix it, and another 2-days back. Well… phase one took more like five days ’cause they taped it on the back of a cheetah like some kid would do with grandma (seen it?), only it turns out even cheetahs have their limits… or get distracted by the litterbox or food bowl every now and then. I’m thinking it’s just too bad it didn’t eat the thing!

So now I get an email that Samsung has no idea how long it will take. Also they won’t tell me what the part is that they’re not stocking…. only that the part has to come from Freaking Korea… ’cause it’s probably something so strange no one could find it locally… like Scotch Tape that always seems to get lost… honest… it was right there next to the scissors yesterday… and now Samsung’s suffering from some sort of NIMBY  syndrome that means they have to have Korean-made “much better than Three-M tape”. And yes, I do mean Freaking Korea …cause it isn’t South, and it isn’t North… it’s just angry Korea…. like especially at Americans… ’cause we deserve it (yep!) and this is some sort of passive aggressive revenge… which apparently they’ve figured means I’m a good target… me the geezer, a worthless, hapless, pointless and safe place to tick off kind of a dude. Or maybe they’re waiting to enlist Pierce Brosnan again, so they can send James Bond through enemy lines into North Korea, trade some weapons for hostages, dodge a death ray from a killer satellite, and then fight some British chick with swords… all over my stupid phone part… or Scotch Tape. And after they shoot movie, after they put it into general release and only after it wins an Academy Award… THEN they’ll ship the part. And if it doesn’t win? “Say Sayonara… ’cause then we can kill you… ’cause you forgot how much we hate the Japanese?”

Lot of hate going on here with these phones. Not sure who, but it’s my guess SOMEBODY has issues. BIG time.

“Oh yeah… forgot… this phone was yours. Sorry ’bout the delay… but thanks. Here’s your royalty check btw. Hmmm… maybe you can get a grilled cheese with that? Dunno…. better just ask for toast… maybe they’ll give you butter… otherwise, hey… plain is good, too.”

Yeah. So isn’t it sweet? First the sound on Samsung’s switchboard is barely audible, and then when you ask the guy to speak up so that maybe the FBI listening in on my conversation can hear with all their sophisticated amplification, but then they guy couldn’t wait to get me off the phone. Used to irate callers? Yeah… I bet they are. “Sorry sir, I can’t hear you. Better than that… you can’t hear me!!!Ha!… looks like we fooled another one… thought the line went dead and hung up just like the last 200,000 angry callers… Brilliant! This strategy is working… fabulously!!!  Live line with zero amps sounds like a dead line… and they hang up and go away! Victory is mine, Will Robinson!”

So I’m phoneless Joe Jackson. Have a great weekend. Call me… oops! Can’t do that! Call my desk or my house… I know they speak those obscure Wood Furniture and Brick Wall languages… but you can just Googlefish that. See… I’m thinking my phone’s really out there in Califormula having Barbecue, goin’t to In-and-Out and visiting Napa for a winery tour… havin’ a great time.

“Call…? You kiddin’? Call who? Me? I’m charging everything on one of those dial-debit account things we smarter-than-you-are phones can handle. Yes… I’d love another watt or two, thanks! Oh… still there? Yes…….who needs a user like you anyway? USER=LOSER. LOL! ROTFL!”

Yeah… that’s the chat my phone sent me. Thanks phone… I hate you… even more than you apparently hate me.  Which brings into mind a whole new strand of Technological Repentance kind of a deal. ‘Not sure what that is. But of course the good thing is my phone hasn’t been baptized yet… so in one of those medieval kind of things… that means it’s excommunicated and you can do whatever without consequence. “Ha ha! Take that!” And I guess that’d be another repair complete with more lolly gagging in a lounge chair poolside:

“Hey… thanks for the dunk. Now I’m workin’ on my tan. Oh… btw, don’t call, text or whatever. I r-e-a-l-l-y need some ‘me’ time.”

Just what I need: a phone out of contact with me… but not my wallet and armed (?) complete with expensive habits. Just wait ’til it gets some sort of sunscreen cancer and starts billing me for chemo, radiation and all the rest. Probably even find some luxury recuperation spa.

Meanwhile… some of us miss the good old days when Ma Bell gave you a phone, plugged it into the wall, and when you went for a walk, nobody bothered you. Back then, you never knew you were so off the wall and into the woods… and you loved it. Now? Same thing feels almost naked… okay… maybe not naked… I do have a tie on and all the rest. But unprotected? No, that’s not it either. I think it’s unconnected.  Waaaay Antedeluvian, man.

Soon as my kids find out (I did send them an email they’ll pick up sometime in class)… I’m sure they’ll phone in the Marines, a crack intervention squad… or even put on a Telethon for me. I’m looking forward to all the stars in Hollywood appearing in tears, “And… and…it’s like he’s been without a phone for… what is it? A week! OMG! Think of the pain, the pathos, the whatever ….!” All right… sure none of that will happen or seem like it should. But it’s fun to think about.

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