Posted by: jamesthethickheaded | August 18, 2012

The Next Metropolitan… or Why Hats Matter

The next Metropolitan… I guess it doesn’t really seem to matter which jurisdiction… we’ve all got problems! But let’s just take that place where I’m at… the OCA. I’ve thought long and hard about this, and after two seconds come to the conclusion that the problem our Metropolitans are having with us lay people, priests, bishops and all the rest – even themselves for that matter – really has nothing to do with them, their supposed sins, their administrative abilities and all that… well, as we might say, “rot”.

No, the problem stems from this late 20th century thing about hats.

Okay to wear a ball cap – even if you put it on backwards. But put on a nice Dobbs hat though, and well… we’re just so unaccustomed to wearing anything on our heads these days, that something of that sort not only gives you the feeling that somehow we’re in “let’s pretend” land and inauthentic, but others tend to jump to the same conclusion, think we’re putting on airs, and wonder what’s the deal. But all that aside, it does send a message almost universally noticeable as the undercurrent to all these matters… that somehow we’re doing something different, and people take notice. Not a bad idea.

Indeed… maybe that’s it. We need to recognize our Metropolitan for who and what he really is… and he’s just not some guy anymore when he lives into his role, his office… if he does and if we let him. So what I’m thinking is the guy need to wear his Metropolitan Hat all the time. Even in his sleep. At least for the first year, that thing shouldn’t even come off his head if he has to duck way below the lowest of the low limbo bars to keep it on. Yeah… like green eggs and ham and Sam-I-am… the two (or three?) should become inseparable.  Tape the thing on with duct tape if he has to, but that thing should stay put. Like he’s supposed to do as well. Frankly, we may need to duct tape the Holy Synod together and tell them, “Good Holy Synod, nice Holy Synod…. sit, stay. Unh Unh Unh… what’d I say? Look at me… look at me! Stay! That’s right. That’s good. Who’s my baby, now? Who’s looking good? Good boys! Have a biscuit!”

So it’s not “Talk to the hand” so much as “Who’s got the hat? What kind of hat is it he’s got? Yeah? Thought so.”

And in case you’re thinking I’m making this up, I’m not. Here’s a clip from the new Miller and Webb produced training film shown recently at the Holy Synod’s meeting last week:


  1. The classic “hat bit” is Monty Python’s “Guidance Counselor”. “I’ve got a hat!”…..

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