Posted by: jamesthethickheaded | November 24, 2011

The Wild Turkiflower

Like the Moscovy Duckiflower, the American Turkiflower is a most tasty and unique hybrid of the genus vegetable ever known or tasted. As best as we can tell, it’s origin dates back to those hallowed days of yore – aka AFTER Halloween –  when a wild turkey one day died in an extremely fertile field of potatoes and green beans up on the Cape near a cranberry bog full of bread crumbs. This blessed event happened long about 1622 or 1623…. the date being somewhat obscured by the fact that the version of Microsoft Outlook then employed didn’t work very well on the handheld devices at the time. The virtual machines of the day… well… they were no better than the kludges we use today:

“Yo’ Cap’n. What time dast thou havest chalked on thy i-Blackboard?”
“Forsooth, I-est canst say. Yonder device willst not to scroll off the start-up screen.”
“Hast thous pounded its buttons?”
“Perhaps thy leather case has obscured the protrusion of thy mitt-ends from thy pounding?”
“Nay…. thou dast credit me more than my card wouldst…and maxed it t’were before shipment.”
“Perchance thy batteries have morted ?”
“Nay. ‘Tis a device most knavish… me thinkest t’is merely possessed of some foul demon.”
“Or peradventure… a virus.”
“Nay…. surely a witch hath cursed it!”
“Ah… an’ me, too!”
“Make it three, brother.”
“Than a cursed virus it must be! Let us send for the Barber and his tech leeches!”
“Bleed the thing! Bleed it dry!”

Gurus back then being about as schooled in device rehab as they are today, the foundation of the school of hard knocks for handheld devices was founded when yonder Pilgrim did shortly attach leeches, and when that failed, as did the dropping of goat entrails, the burying of the device for three weeks under the mold of a stinky cheese, it was decided…

“Kickest thy device with thy foot as if thou werest a Ninja.”
“Aye… Squanto sayeth ’tis the magic healing potion first worked on yonder i-Pepsi device which failest to exchange wampum for kickapoo-juice jar…. iffest thou knoweth what thou meanst.”
“Heyeth, yonder device worketh!”
“Quick! Chalkest thou the date!”
“Indeed….for this must be the world’s first re-boot!”

But since the i-Blackboard was subsequently thrown against a tree and then burned….

“As iffeth!”

…the date of the blessed event, much less the nature and manner of its origin remains…


…and the best we can say is that we know the real story of the Pilgrims was graffittied on the i-Blackboards…. all sadly replaced with i-Pen and i-Paper some years back… that were undoubtedly half the price and

“Madest in the Orient!”

And we would have had the date from those devices, too, were it not for the work of the Luddites who crumpled the devices and threw them in the i-Fire.

“Dast thy i-Blackboard have an app for that?”

So we don’t exactly know how it happened, but the Turkiflower did indeed sprout the next spring facilitating the Indian-Pilgrim first annual multicultural seminar on throwing dead stinking fish after dead stinking turkiflower seeds until a whole feast-in-one was harvested and consumed in the first vegetarian Thanksgiving. Yes, the carnivorians did intervene:

“‘Tis not the nature of the almighty to grow franken foods…”
“Ah, thou speakest forsooth… and yet…’tis tasty and convenient.”
“Didst thy forebears bearest the name Gloria Swanson?”
“Ah-est Ha-est!”
“To be or not to be a Pilgrim… is indeed to sayest nay… aye! Alas!”

Meanwhile, Squanto was extremely irked that patent law hadn’t even been invented. And thus to this day do his descendants contend he was quite sadly and unfairly cut-off from the patent rights. But for many, many, many decades… centuries even… it mattered not… not at least until the advent of the convert to the Advent Fast did it indeed become material…but now as it stands…

“Me thinkest yonder rat doth break through yonder window glass ceiling and preventest our royalties.”
“Mmmmm…. Franken food. Mine favorite!”

But a clever native american remains a clever native american, and the secret of the Turkiflower was suppressed for over four centuries. Now with many finding themselves in the middle of an American holiday feast in the middle of an American (Orthodox Christian) fast, the sheer antimony of the moment is not lost in its unholy wholiness. Squanto’s descendants stepped out of the shadows of history and offered to save the American bacon… er… holiday feast once again by planting the secret Turkiflower.

And so as we come to Thanksgiving, we give thanks for the veritable vegetable medley found in the hymnody of life, of the seedling to table sprouting, fertilization, flowering, and harvest of Turkiflowers everywhere… so much healthier than Cauliflower and Broccoli… for truly it tasteth right good, looks good, smells good, and must be good for both body, mind and that extra thing that extends “both” to “both plus”… by tasting good as well while remaining entirely a vegetable… not JUST or an HONORARY vegetable… but an actual, true vegetable. But don’t take my word for it…. ask Squanto.

 “Come and See that the Turkiflower is good!”

My best wishes for you and yours for a blessed Thanksgiving! There is so much we are thankful for, we can’t begin to even utter the smallest portion of that which God has given to us all…. but let us all do as we can in gratitude… least of all to Squanto and his inventiveness and to God for all His bounty, our nation, our family and our faith… even if we slip in it sometimes 😉 .


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: