Posted by: jamesthethickheaded | July 19, 2011

Americans United in Some States

Today’s Chapter 7 Bankruptcy filing by the United States of America was closely followed by the announcement that a new and improved government would be formed trading under the name Americans United in Some States, or AUSS for short. Though the PM for Australia voiced objections, a AUSS spokesperson for new the “Official Top Awesome Dude” responded, “Mmm… We’re still bigger than you, but if you’re  getting our bills… then it’s working… still.  And that’s okay with AUSS.”  He added something about southern “whiners and complainers” and then moved on to address bondholder questions.

This unprecedented event of course was… in fact modeled on the recent General Motors bankruptcy filing where bondholders were stiffed, shareholders were wiped out, and employees did alright though their TV time was cut in half. Though GM’s chairman seemed to change every three or four months, they did manage to remake a Camaro that wasn’t half bad. And that’s the point: Nostalgia for a lost era is selling almost as well as nostalgia for the lost dough.

Asked what sort of government would run the AUSS now that Democracy of the People by the People and for the People had come a cropper, the spokesperson responded, “Awww c’mon. You’re not giving us any credit.” Thankfully, the Press jumped all over him like a trampoline on this mostly to say that credit was precisely the problem and giving it to another government wasn’t likely to happen any time soon. But after restoring order, the speaker managed to get up off the floor and weakly offer, “Okay… let’s try really, really, really good… government… like one that can make things clear, get things done, and look good under the lights without breaking a sweat. How’s that?” Most reporters hopped planes to New Zealand.

Yet anyone wondering whether this were simply an interim government, or one founded on solid principles, the Think Tanks had already begun intoning the “new paradigm” and offered papers for a Tweet Nation. Some even went so far as to suggest dumping the standby Bald Eagle for Looney Tunes’s Tweetie Pie as the new national bird. Not a bad idea, if I don’t say so myself if that’s what you like. But me? I’m kind of in favor of one of those Jackass Penguins… ’cause it kind of says who we might really be behaving like… if you know what I mean. And for those sticklers who pipe in that these guys don’t actually even live here… as if that’s a problem? All I gotta say is that if we can have a basketball team called the Raptors… I think we can manage a bird that at least still exists somewhere. More than that? Talk to Scott Crosby… he thinks he’s a Penguin. Ha! What a rube!

But problems remain. Most Americans aren’t quite sure what to call themselves. The identity crisis in the Hair and Beauty segment of the population represented by next month’s beauty contestants at the might-have-been Miss America’s pageant… said a lot through their own silence… which was stunning. Absolutely. And sometimes that’s a good thing as contrasted with the conversation a few minutes later when someone asked the contestants what country they were from, the best they could manage was, “I’m Bobbi” or “I’m Lisa”, but more were sticking with “American” ’cause “…like it says so right here on my passport!” Yes, I’m confused too, but actually… it doesn’t and it never did say that, but y’know what they mean… and if you remember Miss South Carolina ” and such like”… we just won’t go there.

Far more than you’d think are taking a fancy to calling themselves AUSSies, wearing wallabies (again), bouncing on those ridiculous balls with the handles, and pretending every day is “National Talk Like a Pirate Day”…’cause it’s about as close as we can manage to an Austrailian accent. Some have outfitted themselves with peglegs and all the accoutrements, but more are simply swinging with a lone eye patch. And the OutBack Steakhouse outlets have doubled their business, which supports the view that there’s always someone whose taste buds are overwhelmed by their urge to par-tay. Once again, the Australian PM registered his objections, but this time no one was listening… which is who I got it from.

Of course legal experts are decidedly of a different view… f’sure… as in “No fun”. Many in fact suggested major issues with the two million treaties signed by Bill Clinton on the “Get-a-Date” tour he ran in the last months of his womanizing presidency. News to some of us:  Some of these treaties were actually more than photo ops with hot looking chicks from all over.  I think one even allowed Ugandans to shop at Walmart. And rumor holds that James Carville had a few choice words inserted about trailer parks in some others… just in case Bill got asked back for a third term.

“How ’bout it?”
“No, sorry big guy… you were great in your time, though.”

But just to show you can never be too far out in left field, as if on cue, a group of five opportunists claiming to be the Delawares that sold Manhattan to the Dutch staked out claims on a number of Midtown penthouses by seizing the elevators and threatening to make them go sideways and have the doors open with actual teeth… unless paid in full… on each trip. Yes, they expect $24 in beads per run. And that’s not just any beads… but the original beads… as seen on Antiques Road Show and now appraised at $24 million for their historical significance. They’re also taking checks.

More ominously, it was reported creditors were meeting with former Vice President Dick Cheney in one of his undisclosed underground locations to discuss the levy of tolls to collect on now deeply discounted debts. Sounds to me like ol’ Tricky Dickey might have gotten stuck on one of those elevators, and thought it was “damn good idea”. Citizens can expect to watch with interest over the coming months the installation of credit card readers on just about every open space. The former Vice President made it clear that all current and former government employees would be joining creditors in a class action taking of federal lands to secure collateral to support their pension claims in the interim. Most simply hugged their desks in the effort, but a few took more extreme measures… like Mr. Cheney.

As if on cue, Texas immediately rescinded its deed of accession and became an independent nation: “Don’t Mess with Texas.” The debate over whether to go back to using the original J instead of an X is still pending. But just to be safe, I’m not messing with Texas or Tejas. Least of all, not until I’m done messing with Maryland… which Moody’s is threatening with a downgrade in rating… like it matters. Stems from the time O’Malley hemmed and hawed over whether to retake the District lands granted to the new-old government (USA) way back when. The governor’s comment was simply, “Well… Virginia did it first!” And of course, that makes it a good idea… ’cause Virginia’s where good ideas originate. BTW, Moody’s put Virginia on credit watch as well. Way to go!

So I think that this pretty much the size of things…isn’t it? Oh yeah: The markets crashed, the States independently filed bankruptcy and the world as we know it ended… even resulting in higher interest rates for Brazil, Israel and all kinds of places no one would have even thought of… like in my VISA bill… which no matter what… still seems to find me. But news to them, I am thinking of taking drastic measures as well and renaming myself  “Wall” as in “Why don’t we see what happens if we throw it up on the Wall…”.  But now that I’m giving that a little more thought, I’m sure even Shakespearre himself might have reconsidered, and another inanimate object might be a better idea… given that getting thrown up on isn’t really my kind of deal.

But one things for sure, summer and bankruptcy seem to be a good answer for what ails us. Traffic’s a lot lighter, and the pollution falls off a touch. Can we put our boofers together and say to our once wonderful former denizens of Washington, “Hay… Thanks for all the fish?’ ” Guess there wasn’t time.

As for me, sign me off as “Would B. Rock”.

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