Posted by: jamesthethickheaded | June 23, 2011

Spuddin’ with Mr. Potato’s Head

I’ve been flatscreened… only all the plasma’s been knocked out of me. Usually, this means we’re in for some meds… which is why I guess the alternative of getting the LCD kicked out of me sounds so… how should I say?… like I have a problem for social services rather than just a big fat problem on my hands, hips or wherever it seems to want to land and stick. Seems I’m all tripped up by this new report on potatoes… and how they seem to leave us looking… well,  sack-like.

Talk about a killjoy! As if I weren’t already suffering the Apostles Fast where the first thing that hits my nose on Monday’s lunchtime moseying is some sort of Bacon Barbecue Festival. Literally everywhere it smelled like they were cooking bacon. I don’t think my nose was suffering an illusion… but if you’ve ever read “The Wind in the Willows” where the Mole follows his nose… I’m telling you the temptation to follow my own nose was enormous. And let’s face it… are they any other options? I mean, I can’t actually follow my derrier unless I’m walking backwards, right? I mean sometimes… seriously…where do we did get this language from? Think I’m kidding? That bacon sure wasn’t. As Mr. T might say, “Messed with my mind!”

Anyway, and then they go and take away my potato chips… which BTW… are vegetables and therefore as good for you as popcorn… which is also corn and a vegetable and therefore good for you. Who knew vegetables could kill you? I mean, sure I knew that when I was growing up… like when my Mom cooked them… but that was before we discovered you could get your vegetables out of a bag…like a sack of potatoes. So just so we’re sure we have this: When you’re a kid, if it’s good for you, then it tastes bad… and then you grow up, and if it tastes good, then it’s now bad for you. Seems suspect reasoning to me, but I don’t make the rules. Doesn’t seem new to me, to you either, right? So then what’s the big deal and why is this news? Point taken. Only I guess if a doctor tells you…

Nah… probably it’s news because it proves that whoever said you can’t judge a book by its cover never looked at a sack of potatoes, or apparently a bag of potato chips. I have, and I can report none of the individual potato chips look like the ones on the package… except maybe those goofy Pringles. What this truth in packaging bit is telling us instead is that if we eat a lot of something, you will look like the package it comes in. No they don’t actually use words like this, but when you see that the serving size stuff where it tells you: 1 Serving = 1 Chip… only they disguise it by translating it into the “package contains 650 servings” bit… well… I know I’m doomed.

Yes, I’m doomed to look more like a bag than a biped. I guess that’s why folks keep handing me this tremendous shirts… y’know… like every T-shirt event… where one size is all they’re going to order. I dunno about you, but seems the message is “Thanks for the work… and hey… get busy and fill this thing out. Next year, we want you to work like two people… which is what you’ll be if this thing fits… and you’re still only yeah high.” I’m not sure how high that is… but I’m not, so it must not be much.

So there you are. Seems there’s a difference of opinion. The government wants you to look scrawny, and the clothing industry, the charity industry and definitely the food industry think it’d be swell if you took the other option. That’s three-to-one. Though after 2007, I’m not sure how much of our nation swings with the whole democracy thing, I for one remain persuaded by the majority opinion in this case. By this, I mean I’ve always WANTED to look like a bag of chips… and government’s never been much fun. So there we have it: Sounds like the study was incomplete, and must be rejected… except for the good parts which I’ll get to in a moment.

But to be fair, I’ve done a little research myself. I checked out my grand parents… and they weren’t skinny. Nana was definitely fireplug material. Grand lady… love her to death and all that… but she wasn’t holding back if you know what I mean. Did she eat chips? Not much. She didn’t eat fireplugs either for that matter… but there you are. So the very idea that what we eat’s what we are… or what we become… Ha! Now to fill in the gaps and improve my T-statistics, I’ve looked at photos of your Yiayia’s, Nana’s and Bubushka’s… and I think we’re on to something! I say, “Potatoes, yes! Fire plugs… better stay away.”

And that’s good news, right? Almost as good as the fact that they completely left out any mention of corn chips. Yep. So let’s hold on to that. Better… let’s get some dip and eat it. Want some more good news? They didn’t mention Krispy Kremes either! So have at it there: “A Billion Policeman can’t be wrong!”

Oh… and BTW, if you see Dan Quayle… tell him not to worry about that lone night’s errant “E”. He had it right the first time… only they didn’t want to give him credit… thinking he’d mispelled the word. The fact was where he erred was in failing to  add an “S”. .. quickly and claim it wasn’t that he couldn’t spell, but that they couldn’t count. And as any Lay person knows, “You can’t eat just one”… so where there’s one, there’s more. Post hoc…ergo the plural.

All of which goes to prove that I’ll take a spin doctor any time over one of these… whaddya call them? which doctors?…Nah… not those doctors… I meant the BAD doctors. A bad doctor is a doctor who gives you bad news. End of story. So read the research yourself, better…. do some of your own. Talk to the food first hand, ask it some intelligent questions… get to know it, build a personal relationship with it before you eat it, let it get to know and like you. That way, you’ll put it in a good mood, it might even love you. I dunno….maybe even give it an aspirin. Then at least it gets a lot harder for it to want to kill you, right? Yep, you heard it here. 😉


  1. If we stopped eating everything scientists have told us is bad for us we couldn’t even drink water. Pry the bag of Frito’s from my dead cold grip, doctor.

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