Posted by: jamesthethickheaded | April 11, 2010

New Goofy Shoes

Yes, I have a pair of “Goofy Shoes’. Officially, they’re sandals. More officially, I discovered they are “Reefs”. But around here, they’re just “Dad’s Goofy Shoes”…. much loved by one and much more NOT loved by I guess everyone else. These things were bought ten or fifteen years ago on a trip to Florida while we were waiting for the clock to roll around to where we could get access to the arranged weekly rental. Bought despite disapproval from the daughter figure, they were cheap and comfortable. They’ve lasted eons, and like I said, I discovered they were “Reefs” when I started wondering how to replace them. They don’t have that thing that goes between the toes, that Mr. Big (Toe) just can’t swing with.

“What is this?”
“It’s a thong.”
“What’s it doin’ between my toes?”
“Holding your shoe on?”
“Me and my toes… we’re gonna start hyperventilatin’…”
“That might NOT be a good thing!”
“…they’re just… just get so claustrophobic! I need my space… I need air… it’s like I’m… suffocating. This thong thing has gotta go!”

Some body parts have strong opinions. I liked my hair. For some reason, The Scalp and The Hair didn’t get along. They split up long ago.

“Say La Vee.”
“You moron… that’s supposed to be in French.”
“Hair, toe, thong, whatever…. it’s all French to me.”
“Oh yeah? An’ you’ll be hearin’ from my lawyer!”
“Yeah… hope you like scalpimony… cuz you’re not gettin’ any!”
“You still don’t get it do you? I’m the hair… you’re the scalp! Unh! Some people!”

Yeah. It was rough there for awhile.

So I was shocked to find the G.S.’s were somewhat stylish… or at least the company’s OTHER products were stylish. Or at least they put up a website like they THINK they are. But what do I know? I don’t shop. I get stuff when it’s needed and seems to work. Style… that’s a section in the paper I don’t read. Not the paper, the section. Whatever there is about style, I figure if I need to know about it, someone will tell me. And for all my attempts to become versed in the stuff, it’s just too mysterious. From what I can tell, there are only a couple of  styles out there: 1) Things that make girls look cute; 2) Things that make girls look like they want to tell me there’s a sale going at Saks and I’m too dumb to understand what that means; 3) Things that make them look like they’re in a time warp from the sixties or some other decade;  4) Things that make them look like if I don’t turn the page quickly like I’m not interested I’m gonna get in trouble; or 5) Things that make them look like they want to kill you…. ’cause “…you were like… supposed to be Brad Pitt.”

Note that none of the girls in the style pictures wants to know about my Goofy Shoes, or is going to help me figure out how and where to buy another pair. Not their M.O. Fact is my “Goofy Shoes” were officially named when I guess I began an annoying habit of wearing them instead of slippers. Who knew Dad’s slippers could annoy people? And as a Dad… I’m just surprised this isn’t standard issue.

Goofy Shoe All Alone on the Pavement

“Hey, Doc… how’s the wife and…”
“It’s a girl, they’re both doin’ fine… and you’ll need some of these shoes.”

The man was right: They’re an extremely effective tool to add to the arsenal. Sears is thinking of co-branding and bundling them with their Skillmaster saws so contractors can find new ways to annoy housewives.

“Guaranteed. Why settle for low riders when you can have it all?”

Truth is that no matter what’s on the feet when you’re roaming around the house randomly looking for places to bless with your annoying presence…the guy across the street looking out the window over his coffee, the newspaper delivery truck guy, the laundry man, the Fedex dude… there’s a whole raft of people that will feel better knowing they don’t wear some of the ridiculous things we put on when we think no one’s looking. It’s an act of charity… really. It’s actually all about the humility. Nothing to do with comfort… sloth… or all that other bad stuff I don’t officially know anything about. Nope.

And for some reason, there’s more of a tendency to equip for stylin’ early in the a.m. Who after all gets all dolled up to go get the paper… the one you actually still pay for though you’re not sure why? Fact is… even if it ain’t an early trip to the airport or somewhere… I seem to still wake up slow. But once up… I’m really there. Honest. Sort of. Only I imagine those unlucky enough to be assigned by the Audobon Society to study weird birds have already filed reports indicating “the morning species doesn’t seem to really get revved until downing the first Diet Coke.”

So it’s quite a picture. My daughter would attest to the hoots coming from the photographers tent:

“Do we really have to photograph this thing?”
“OMG! I’m not doing it! No one is going to see this. Nature lovers will thank us. I’m thinking some sort of medal.”
“What if it goes extinct? Just look at the lack of plummage! And those shoes…. have you ever!”
“OMG! I need a bag.”

Yeah… there’s been some pretty sweet things noted about my shoes… though if I repeat too many of them, I think some of my hats will get jealous. Let’s just say there’s a tendency for folks to hide both of them when I go to the beach and take a brief minute or two away from “stylin'” to dip in the water.

“Where’d my hat and shoes go?”
“Your what?”
“You know what I’m talking about.”
“Didn’t you leave them in the apartment?”
“I’m waiting…”
“Well… no one took them, Dad! I mean really…”
“No seriously… what’d you do with them?”
“Nothing… they just wandered by themselves over to their natural home…”
“The trash can? You put them in the trash can?”
“Uh… they said they were happier there.”
“Yeah? Then why are they screaming for help?”
“Dad… you could buy others…I’d even help pick them out.”

So no one likes my shoes. The hat even emailed me.

“Y’know I hate to say it, but the shoes… they really don’t do me justice. And by the way, I’m expecting my own bio here, too.”

But we’re talking shoes here. So yes, there was a day not long ago when my wife put them on.

“Hey, these things are comfortable.”
“Y’know there’s a reason I take all the abuse…”
“I thought you were just a glutton intent on annoying…”
“That’s only one of the multiple benefits…”

Fact is, I had a hard time getting them off her feet and back on to mine. Calling the daughter with a fashion question is always an effective approach.

“Guess what Mom’s wearing now?”
“Dad… I’m on my way to class…”
“She’s got on the Goofy Shoes…”
“Nooooo!… Put her on…. NOW!”

New Goofy Shoe: The Bottle Opener was too shy to pose.

But the things seem finally to be wearing down… not out. Yeah… I think they’ve got plenty of mileage left on them in a way, but y’know how we replace sneakers these days when the tread wears down… or our knees, ankles and all the rest  just seem to fall off or scream that we need to take a whole bunch of Advils? Well… if you’re out chillin’ in pajamas with your Goofy Shoes… you just can’t go and have stuff falling off or anywhere else. So the tread ware’s finally an issue. Looked up on line. And whoah! These things look they’re gonna raise my annual cost from $1.50 to nearly $5.00 if I get the same mileage.

But then again… I’m hoping they don’t lose their impact. I mean… they’ve got this neat little feature that while unlikely to ever come in handy… certainly ought to be good for a hoot. Yep. Something tells me the annoying goofiness is rising rather than in jeopardy like I feared: They’ve got a bottle opener built in on the bottom. Cool! Can’t wait to show the daughter… and her friends. Maybe need to do a fashion show… walk across the stage and all that. Talk ’bout livin’ the High Life again!


  1. Ah yes, the “Dad’s comfy clothing embarrasses the family” syndrome. LOL! I would put up pictures of my wardrobe but my kids (an bishop) might disown me. In fact I am writing this comment in my pink flamingo, neon lime green pants I used to wear to work. Gotta find me some shoes like that, my fleece night shoes are about worn out.

  2. LOL – What is Dad’s wardrobe for other than to embarrass the rest of the family?

  3. I’m loving the pink flamingo and lime green combo. Not sure how you managed to wear them to work without the other guys on the job beating you up… “just because my eyes hurt”. Construction crews are just sooooo extremely fashion conscious! LOL!

  4. I might have to take a picture of them… It takes a pretty manly man to wear those on a construction site. Or either that guys figured if I was crazy enough to do that, there’s no telling what I’d do if they ticked me off by making fun of me. LOL!!

  5. No. I believe anyone should be able to wear whatever they expose appropriate.

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