Posted by: jamesthethickheaded | July 20, 2009

Eyes Wide Shut… Mouth… Keyboard….

So after reading this wonderful piece this weekend I’m thinking about the nature of farm life… how reportedly, animals sleep all the time whenever and however they can. It’s not that I’m some sort of Agrarian or anything… I’m more like a Suburbarian. Suburbarians differ from Barbarians in that we’ve lowered the Bar. We differ from Agrarians in that we’ve lost the Agra and have yet to buy a Wii and give it a German pronunciation. And we differ from Urbanites in that we mostly are home at night. How do we differ from Suburbanites? Ah… now that’s an excellent question… a question pondered by the ages… pondered by many, many folks of great and incredible brain power. I have no idea what their opinions on the subject are but I’m sure they’re weighty. My guess is that we’re simply more non-conformist in our conformity, as we know how to say, “Yar!”


There… in case there’s any doubt, now I’ve done it: I’ve attested to my I.D…. but my eye-dee is definitely like hidee-hidee-hidee-ho without being a Home Improvement. The only Home Improvement I could make would be to go sit out by the corner on Friday mornings… early… next to the recycling and wait for the truck. “They’re taking me on a new adventure? Oh good! I like adventures!”

So as I look over this material I have to say the surgery has definitely reduced me to a blithering idiot. Admittedly the idiot part’s not new… but the blithering… well, maybe. Maybe it’s that I’m thinking I’d like to have my eyes wide shut, and my mouth open asleep at my desk somehow in a way that only someone long acclimated to Suburbarian life could recognize as part of the thing that the genus “Homo Officus” does frequently in the presence of a video screen… but that others with less familiarity would just accept as, “Oh… I can’t interrupt now, he’s busy working”.

Yep. You see…. after years spent living as a Suburbarian amongst the “Homo-Officii”, I can say I’ve studied “Homo Officus” and his/her habits. I feel as if I know them…. and maybe if I check out my genes… I might even be one. Can’t tell. I mean is it even possible? Probably not much longer… as from what I read, many “Homo-Officii” are being laid off and transmuted into entirely new species… some are called “Homo Retiricus”, others “Homo Laidofficus”. Differences are subtle…. mostly in the tail markings…. like the back pocket.

Anyway, the typical “Homo Officus” is way underslept and has accordingly through generations of evolution developed the habit of sleeping with their eyes wide shut, mouth open, and fingers on the keyboard. You won’t even know they’re sleeping unless you look carefully for signs of impending drool. The risk in this is that to spot signs of impending drool you may have to get waaaay too close. And “Homo Officus” is known to  screech violently when caught napping. So you may want to use one of those birder tents and a camera with a long telephoto lens.  This may crowd the habitat, so you may risk losing your official “green” status in the process… but it is so worth it.

Why is it worth it? Actually I’m not sure… unless maybe it’s the “explanations”… the goofy ones. “Homo Officus” is known to offer that he or she was unfairly shot with a game warden’s doping gun of some sort from a distance, tagged and marked for “scientific study” and just recovering from the affects of the incident when your camera went off. Or he might claim that passing pygmies shot and winged him with one of their blow guns. Mostly, I find it useful to claim to be studying the effects of dopamine… as part of my anti-doping struggle… a struggle my kids are quick to point out I’m losing. “No doubt about it… he’s a dope.”

But for today’s excuse… at least mine would be that it may have something more to do with last week’s oral surgery whose after effects of “pressure” mimic headaches, and all the side effects a good “Homo Officus” is already too familiar with. So for those who may have accidentally added me to your prayer list for this short interlude, I want to say thank you. “Thank you”. You, too, are in my prayers. Annonymous saints remain my favorite. They’re even Greek!


  1. We need to bring tradition of the mid-day nap to America. Of course, I think that means that the work day will go later in the evening.

  2. Deb… my right eye so agrees with you. It keeps trying to close as if it’s time. Only it’s not. All of which makes me look… really, really good right now. LOL! Thanks for stopping by! Great to see you the other day!

  3. I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don’t know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.


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