Byzantium – The Book

Finished reading Stephen Lawhead’s “Byzantium”, a book shelved with Science Fiction-Fantasy genre, but aspiring to the historical fiction realm. It’s mostly a page turner and light entertainment. And it manages to do this all the while with more exposition of “churchyness” than you’ll find in most literature… or at least I’ll find in most pop literature I’m willing to pick up. I’d like to say more about the book and the path of the main character as the story unfolds, but it is hard really to detail some of my likes and dislikes without giving away the plot and spoiling a good $8 read. And at $1 per 100 pages… it’s a lot of reading.

Not complicated stuff you have to pay attention to… but stuff. He’s got more twists and turns than you’ll see in most “real literature” I think. And the annoyingly familiar process of winding up this long twisted path and all the characters introduced in the last 50 pages.  I have something of a pet peeve here and appreciate a selective routine here… or at least  an ability to stick to the main thread. Not so sure I’m ready for some of the real post-modernists who discard characters and plots like pages of a newspaper… but there’s seldom a need to find everyone a place.

Anyway, as achingly slowly as it unfolds, the whole becomes more and more unsatisfying until the very, very, very end…. and I don’t think this gives away much… the character’s faith starts out at one place… and journeys long and far along the course laid out in Archimandrite Zacharias’s works… and thus forms a course of evolution from zeal to a broader understanding. This provides more of a revelation of the protagonist’s character than a pattern of it’s development. Development – until the end – is focused mostly on plot. And yes, it kept me reading… but there were times I’d have declared it open season on Lawheads and gladly ripped off a few shots in his direction. But yes… this is maddeningly his intent I think.

The base story concerns the journey of a priest monk from an Ionian monastery, and his fellow monks in taking the Book of Kells to Constantinople as a present to the Emperor. Yes, license abounds… but it is fiction after all, and the author is skilled enough at his trade that you forgive the liberties. And yes, Byzantium provides the usual opening for its meaning in terms of scheming, plotting, and internecine warfare.  But fortunately, no matter how much a plot irritation, characterization or whatever your background may cause in terms of a mismatch with the current setting, the plot keeps moving fast enough so that  no particular objection reins for long. Even meat eating monks, vomiting Vikings, and seductive saracens won’t hold you down for too long.

I tried to learn something about the author but despite having a website and a host of slobbering fans, I didn’t find much. Yes, he moved his family from the States to the UK so he could more readily research and write Celtic historical novels of which this was the first.  And you can find reviewers mention Lawhead’s “faith” in terms that seem to acknowledge it as one of those baggage items forgiven  because he’s still good enough to with the plot to keep it moving. Imagine the old church = boring formula weighs down on many minds… so this is probably intended as reassurance. Funny thing is that in many ways, I find his working of the faith elements of the story a bit cumbersome… so as sympathetic as I expected to be… I can’t say this was its more endearing feature. In fact, the more you know… the higher your expectations, and this accounts for some of my dissatisfaction… and I’m open enough to say that this is probably more my problem than his, a sort of “I-want-it- my-way thing”. I found myself wondering what sort of believer he is… and decided he was probably a protestant… likely an Anglican or Presbyterian… but with a passing (C-) familiarity with Roman Catholicism and Orthodoxy. But again… that’s just me, and I was somewhat frustrated his monks were so inconsistent with my limited understanding of monks… that it seemed to my eyes, a quick couple of details would have vastly improved the authenticity of the novel. Ah… but then he’s the big author right? Right.

Conclusion: A good beach read. Four out of Five Stars. Some won’t ever get past the cheesy cover. If you aren’t the sort who has to have everything perfect to enjoy a story… you’ll have a great time. If you’re the kind of person who read “Dune”, then saw the movie, then re-read the book to get the movie out of your mind…. you’ll not like it. I read it in a weekend and a couple of days. Obviously… aside from being bedridden with the Flu for much of that time… I enjoyed it.

From Fr. Andrew’s “On (Becoming and) Remaining an Orthodox Christian”

Given what appears to be an unusual amount of traffic (i.e. more than four or five folks), it seemed appropriate to update the title to clarify that this piece is NOT a newsbreak, but simply an illumination of some of our (my) collective struggles in conversion. Please forgive me: the other possibility did not occur to me as it should have, and was certainly not intended.

Today, I re-read one of the links in my list of articles for Inquirers. I guess, sometimes even when you think you’re way past the convert stage… I mean chrismation… you’re still inquiring. Maybe that’s only me, and maybe I’m still wondering why I’m here… much less why all those other guys are here! LOL. I mean, I KNOW I’m crazy… but these other guys… I thought one of us had more sense.

But I digress. The other day, I stumbled on a comment on a priest’s blog by a person who identified himself as worshipping in the Western Rite of the Antiochian Archdiocese… something I do happen to know a bit about The commenter decried the current mess of things as well as what he referred to as the Russification of American Orthodoxy. Okay. So we see some of that… but we also see the pull of Grecodoxy, Syradoxy, and all other local resident doxies… and I’d imagine what’s up now will pass as well in the WWF to become just another sideshow. But the commenter felt otherwise and suggested perhaps it was time to revisit his native Anglicanism until the storm passed. ‘Course I could only chuckle to myself “…like the shelter from the storm is to stand outside and get more storm.” Or as the International 14 sailors’ recruitting poster used to say, “I do this… because… because…. er….  yes, I know it’s like hitting yourself over the head with a hammer… but y’know you just have no idea how good it feels when it stops and you have a moment to reflect on the thrill.” Gotcha. Right. I’ll be over with the “it’s so easy it must be a Hobie Cat” people… only we won’t talk about what happened to poor old Isabelle.

Anyway…. so I found it very helpful to re-read Fr. Andrew’s (St. John’s Orthodox Church, Colchester, UK – ROCOR) piece in Orthodox England, “On Becoming and Remaining an Orthodox Christian”. And because it seems to encapsulate for me some of the struggles I see others struggling with as well, and as much as I hesitate to take any of it out of context and thereby lead someone to miss the oh-so-excellent other perceived issues in the process of becoming Orthodox, I’ll share the part that resonates this day:

Contact with this reality can be very helpful in putting paid to misguided zeal, to convert ghettos, to what I call ‘the greenhouse effect’. It gets people’s feet back on the earth, and remember that is where they should be, because our religion is the religion of the Incarnation. What other people think and do is none of our business, our task is the salvation of our own souls.

On this subject, one of the main reasons why some converts do not stop being converts and so do not become Orthodox is because they do not have a job. The need to earn your daily crust, to be with other people, is an excellent way for people to start living (as opposed to just thinking about) their Faith. This can avoid what is called the temptations from the left and the right. Temptations from the left are laxism, weakness, compromise, indifference. Temptations from the right are censorious judgement of others, the stuck-up zeal of the Pharisee, ‘zeal not according to knowledge’. These temptations are equally dangerous and equally to be combatted. Both waste an enormous amount of time and energy on sideshows like the discussion of irrelevant issues like ecumenism, rather than praying. Being in society is the way in which we can get to know ourselves, see our failings and avoid being sidetracked into theoretical concerns.

SUPERFICIAL INTEREST

Some people can be so full of themselves! Some people can be very self-important and very puffed-up. They will first tell you – if you let them – their detailed life-stories and then all the latest gossip about Priest X, Bishop Y, and then Jurisdiction Z. Even though they do not know the ABC of the children’s Faith. The thing is though, that Christianity, and that is what we are about, is about none of these things. If you don’t have contact with reality, then you will never learn about real things. Church life is not about any of that nonsense. There is nothing so boring as discussing the personalities and activities of various clergymen or laymen, except of course sin, because sin is always boring, always the same thing. Ask anyone who hears confessions.

Church life is about: Who will make the coffee? Who will do the washing-up? Who will do the flowers? Who will cut the grass? Who will bake the prosphora? Who will clean the toilets? St Nectarios performed the latter task when teaching in Athens, even though he bore the mighty title of ‘Metropolitan of Pentapolis’. So why should we object? It is after all one of the first obediences given to novices in monasteries.

Of course, these are not the main tasks in Church life. Let us go on:

Church life is about: Who will learn to sing? Who will stand at all the church services? Who will keep all the Church fasts? Who will read their morning and evening prayers every day? Who will prepare themselves properly for confession and communion? Who will read the daily Gospel and Epistle readings?

And actually, if you want the blunt truth, which will shock some ‘converts’: Church life is also about: Who will pay the bills?

Yes, Church life is about commitment, the one thing which is so missing in our present-day luke-warm, indifferentist British culture. Being a Christian, and I remind you again, that is all that the word ‘Orthodox’ means, is very difficult. Nobody, from Christ down, ever said anything else. Without commitment, we will never remain Orthodox. Being a Christian is about loving God and loving our neighbour. If we are not prepared to even try and do that, then there is no point anyway. Unfortunately, some people think that being an Orthodox Christian – that’s a tautology, I know – is not about loving God and loving our neighbour. They think that it is about reading books, having opinions, condemning others, eating weird food, being intolerant, or dressing strangely. Our Lord never said any of that. He said: ‘Behold, I give you a new commandment, love one another’.

The fact is that all Christians were once Orthodox Christians, but most of them could not take it and they fell away. Orthodox Christianity is not about being received into the Orthodox Church and then saying: ‘That’s it, I’ve done it’. It is about entering the Arena, it is about being on the Cross. So often I have heard from Anglicans: ‘I know Orthodoxy is the real thing, but I could never do it’. I suppose that at least has the merit of honesty. I always think of the words of that righteous priest, Clement of Alexandria, in the third century: ‘If a man is not crowned with martyrdom, let him take care not to be far from those who are’.

The solution is to read St John’s Gospel, to establish a prayer routine. ‘The Kingdom of Heaven is taken by force’, says the Gospel.

Heretical Utility

Iyas Wan Wei Hsien at “Torn Notebook” (Thanks!) has linked an article on Fr. Gregory Wassen’s blog “On First Principles” entitled “Thoughts on Bulgakov, Apollinarius, and Ourselves” . There is a lot here, and my route to landing here was a long circuitous course through Palamite discussions of St. Dionysius the Areopagite… so I found my head filling with many weighty things, and of course seized on the simplicity of his close which I share here:

“The truth abides above our personal opinion, and if the we as the community of Jesus Christ – the Church – adopt Fr. Sergius’s generosity of spirit we are more likely to create a space for orthodoxy to develop in us. The way we treat and look at heretics could almost be said to be a good indicator of our spiritual health. For the heretic and the orthodox both find a home in us as much as do the sinner and the saint.”

I would tend to broaden this. I think the way that we look at each other, the way we look at the denominations out of which we converted, the way we look at our bishops, the way we look even at some of our more disgruntled bloggers…. all of these speak to our spiritual health. How we respond to the things that upset us, and how we address these with others and discuss them…. all of this says something of spiritual health as well. I don’t have the answer for what to do about these things, nor do I pretend in the least that I have the spiritual health to comprehend the whole. And I am reminded of that famous section of Teddy Roosevelt’s speech to the Sorbonne in Paris (1910):

“It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.”

In case Teddy’s boggled the mind a bit, he adds a little clarity here:

“Criticism is necessary and useful; it is often indispensable; but it can never take the place of action, or be even a poor substitute for it. The function of the mere critic is of very subordinate usefulness. It is the doer of deeds who actually counts in the battle for life, and not the man who looks on and says how the fight ought to be fought, without himself sharing the stress and the danger.”

Is there a problem juxtaposing these two thoughts? Yes, as it’s not the whole picture. There is a lot to be said for those who engage in more than criticism… indeed, if for example you don’t like AFR for whatever reason, then raise the money and produce an alternative. They might even broadcast it. Stranger things have happened. Think “Austin City Limits”. Don’t like our bishops? Got me there. Wonder about our errant theology? There you can go to seminary, earn a degree or two and credibly publish a correction. Hacks… we can all manage that, but I’m not sure it does more than convey the sort of snarly image others so often seem to suggest is the Orthodox norm.

But the whole picture is indeed more complex… sticking with The Teddy, here’s another of his views on criticism… and in particular editorials criticising the office he once held:

“The President is merely the most important among a large number of public servants. He should be supported or opposed exactly to the degree which is warranted by his good conduct or bad conduct, his efficiency or inefficiency in rendering loyal, able, and disinterested service to the Nation as a whole. Therefore it is absolutely necessary that there should be full liberty to tell the truth about his acts, and this means that it is exactly necessary to blame him when he does wrong as to praise him when he does right. Any other attitude in an American citizen is both base and servile. To announce that there must be no criticism of the President, or that we are to stand by the President, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public. Nothing but the truth should be spoken about him or any one else. But it is even more important to tell the truth, pleasant or unpleasant, about him than about any one else.”

Substitute priest or bishop for president, and I think we have something of the fullness of American church life. cojoined with some of the struggling currents in the Orthodox Church in particular.  Oddly enough, many of those who voice their disdain efforts to Americanize Orthodoxy seem to embody this peculiarly American view of writing… and desiminating their opinions without linking it to the American style of governance. Indeed, there is a hostility to things American which causes me some pause. Of course this may suggest  no more than that despite the inevitable complexities of our pretenses, we have far less self-understanding, let alone comprehension of the complexity of others than we suggest.  It’s a shame we can’t practice a little more of what that other great American once offered at the occassion of our Civil War: “With malice toward none, (and) with charity for all…”

Holiday Weekend Movie Rec: “The Blind Side”

Went to see “The Blind Side” with Sandra Bullock and Tim McGraw. I liked it. Maybe I’m sentimental… but there are places in this movie where only a stone wouldn’t be moved. I haven’t read Michael Lewis’s book… but it kind of leaves you wanting to. Nevertheless, though perhaps the movie seems to become more of a study of Sandra Bullock than Big Mike (Oher)… it’s still a good yarn, and a great family movie. We all went, and loved it. I’ll be taking my dad when and if he gets well enough.

Are there some problems? Sure. Find some things in the movie a stretch of the imagination – especially that some of the attitudes represented are part of  a contemporary study rather than a story from twenty years ago. But what do I know about today’s Memphis? My college roommate insists it happened at his old alma mater… but in a way this is the same sort of myth that “Animal House” was about “my” school and the “fun” we had….but these urban legends often seem to take on a life of their own, huh? But if bother to look, it’s actually Briarcrest Christian School. And does it help that Tim McGraw’s in it? Sure. Know some of the dude’s songs (great!) but didn’t know he looked just like one of my old buddies back in the day before the Houston traffic sadly took him… so nice remembrance of sorts here, too.

But I digress. The story’s good. It’s about character, it’s about a family… and peripherally… it’s about football. I wish there were more football… but movies don’t usually do football very well. Tend to put everyone in slow motion or have them conveniently fall down while the good guys seem to get’er done. But if you still reading this and haven’t bought your tickets online – more than almost anything else, the movie is a story about a faith lived through a number of folks who take it seriously and the difference it makes. There are some reasonably real minor reflections on the costs involved… that it’s not all roses and kisses… but for the most part, if there’s a negative, I’d say it’s that everyone wants to make it work…. for one. Do they get that there’s more than one where it should? Yes. Even a similarly brief look at that.

But my point is simply that these stories are rarely told in this way or unfold this way in life, and rarer in popular culture, and if we don’t support them when they come along… Hollywood and the rest of the Leviathan simply revert to supporting the Vampire, Blood and Lust syndrome far more common… and tell us that “they tried, but no one came.”

Shiverin’ Timbers…Thar’ They Be…!!?!

Turning aside from continuing OrthoThunderings pealing around the blogosphere,  I can’t resist throwing out a little  light toward my former church men and women. As you know, I make no pretenses to having answers, insights, or being in the know but  prefer  instead to try familiarizing myself with the cooler corners of the barbecue equipment as the place in eternity I can call my own. Cooler spirits may  wish to move on…

Seems to me that if you bother to listen, the Anglican Orthodox dialog re-initiated by Metropolitan Jonah earlier this year and continued more formally at Nashotah House this past October offers the opportunity to hear something uncommon. Like any talk of marriage, there’s something old, something new, something borrowed, and  even something blue. The trick is to figure out which is which, but even if we don’t (and I’ll leave that to others), there is similarly much promise.

“Ah…. So now Polly’s got her own Bishopric! She does. Uh huh.”

“Aye! That she do… that she do. An’ mighty fine at that!”

“She’d be likin’ a cracker there, y’know…”
”Ah… course ya’ do! How rrrrrightcha are. Here ya’ be. Rrrrrr!”

“But that’s not all…”

“No it’s not is it.  No indeed. For t’at last me hardies, we’d be gittin’ our hands on…”

“The treasure! Cap’n.”

“Rrrrrr! That we be, indeed! An’ jumpin’ Jehosophat,  we’ll rip the lubbers…right? Rip’em from their gizzards to their…”

“In the Naaarthex…?!!… or …”

“Why… in the Nave, lads! The Narthex’s where we be ginnin’ up a plank! Sure’s there’s whiskey in yer eye…. we’ll have ‘em take that stroll ‘fore the ebb!”

“… After we haul’em up?”

“What? Yer tryin’ to confuse me, boy? I’ll have you quartered and hauled, too… or is that hauled and quartered….? Hmmmmm.”

“And the Black Spot?”

“Ah…. the Black Spot….well… that’d be jus’ like you wouldn’t it? To go an’ ask ‘bout it once again. Well…. an’ what of it?”

“You’ll do what with it?”

“Shiver me timbers, lad… it’s always the Black Spot you’ll be fer’. Gads! Now ‘at cha mention it… don’ rightly know. Have to whatcha say… codger-tate … take a stab at it …y’know with ….with….”

“Wouldncha jus’ lak to… to know what it is?”

“Ah! There’d be that, right. ‘Course….an’ ‘at’d help with the codger-tatin’..”

“’Course the Cap’n knows what it is, doncha Cap?”

“Sure I do. Sure I do. What’s there to know? It’s Black, it’s round… it’s kind of spot-like…”

“An you’d of course know jus’ the sort of navigation hazard she presents…”

“Do I? Indeed! Course I do. Ha! Sure ‘nuff. Right. Hmmmmmm.”

“Been there a long time, huh, Cap’n?”

“Hundreds of years, lads. Yep. Been laying her off to larboard every passage…giv’n her plenty of room….”

“But doncha risk the shallows over there…”
”Huh? You some kind of a wise…. well… huh? Hmmmm. That you do, that you do. But if you lay a line four points off the due North as she rounds…”

Fairly, in a ship set adrift some five hundred years ago, and still lowering life boats… this conversation could of course word it’s way to one’s ears on most any bridge deck in the fleet… even in our fleet! LOL! The trick is less and less what’s said here, but the fact that one of these boats has taken on a new passenger in Metropolitan Jonah (MJ). Methinks he’s there not to take passage so much as to offer his piloting services… but we’ll have to see.

For in the proceedings, the good Metropolitan follows up a discussion waxing on Anglican distinctives by throwing down a challenge to go deeper and think more broadly. ACNA’s ambitions for numbers are fine (they want to plant a thousand churches in five years), but Jonah makes clear as have so many Orthodox… that faith really isn’t a numbers game, and that the pattern has instead tended more towards pruning prior to growth, as if growth in faith precedes growth in numbers.

For there’s a real sense that ours may increasingly become a time of challenge and decision, rather than one where continued deference to the virtues of balancing multiple “parties” and their claims through preserving an uneasy peace rather than resolving their issues and risking departure.  Far be it from me to suggest that departure is the right and only response to a bishop’s teaching… but perhaps that’s a matter of unchanged once-changed DNA.

But now that departure has come… surely the course ahead is clear, and the day of decision met. The good Metropolitan can’t be the only one sensing the virtue in dispensing with squishy approaches to the Truth and adopting bold clarity in proclamation of the Gospels “by tradition, …word and our epistle”. And maybe  once more the time has come where cheap grace is more than Bonhoffer’s off-hand remark, and where Christ’s call and “right worship” find their way in yielding our very selves to accept the martyr’s crown.

As the good Metropolitan acknowledges, Christ’s call makes no exceptions for Orthodox, Roman Catholics, Anglicans, Protestants, Evangelicals…. we’re all in need of recovering our authentic, noetic experience of God… and dropping much of our other pretenses. And though heard only once, his point resonated. And though it reverberated only briefly…it was nonetheless heard. For if in charity towards our bretheren, we make allowances for prepared speechmaking, one senses that all the rest aside, this offer was truly welcomed.

And I would add only that Met. Jonah’s ambition seems far more abitious than ACNA expected.  In effect, he almost says, “Go ahead. Plant your thousand churches. But whenever you’re done… then TOGETHER  let us replant the one Church of Christ in the hearts of ALL His faithful and loving people so that we can truly become one. We’re not talking about putting ACNA and OCA together, but all Anglicans, all Roman Catholics, all Orthodox, all Methodists, Lutherans, Presbyterians… all Evangelicals… the whole of Christendom.”

And no, this is certainly NOT the language of English pirates, but precisely the language of someone who really understands what it means to think big. Big doesn’t necessarily mean original, innovative, or creative… it just means committing oneself to doing real work rather than lipservice.

So despite all the other goofiness and wrong-headed things that may be said as part of the journey that ensues, or in review and criticism of these proceedings – and I have no doubt that plenty will be said and said more accurately than I have offered here… and on both accounts, but to me, setting a course in this way is thoroughly worthwhile. My thanks to all who participated!

A Thoroughly Thurifying Sensibility

Yes, it’s been a long time since I’ve posted. Please forgive me.

Sometimes the complexities of life, the ins and outs, the hectic schedule… these just don’t offer enough of a chance to slow down and come up with something useful to others beyond the dome on my shoulders. Yes, there’s much out there worth comment, there’s much that shakes the filament and heats it into light, but one of my vows has been to  try to keep this blog as much as possible on a even and positive keel.  I’m enough of a whack job to not need to give the guys with the funny white jackets, nets, and padded rooms more reasons to chase me and they already have enough spotters helping them that I don’t need to inspire more. And my dissatisfaction with some of the negatives abounding in parts of the Orthodox blogosphere… let’s just say it’s not helping.

For me, joy is a such a key thing and a protest against the darkness both within and without that if I forget it, if I forget the joy we have…  I think all too readily the darkness closes in. But sometimes it takes an enormous amount of energy to transit from the identification of a problem, a puzzle or curiosity through the various reflections to a point where we can find the humor in our fallen humanity, in our frailities and gain perspective, and offer this brokenness back to God and the broader Body. For it’s at this point that inevitably, we see almost wryly that we’re called to far more than just curmudgeonhood.

And as much as I love our Church, our priests and deacons, our bishops, monks, nuns and hierarchs and people, it ought to be pretty plain I’m just a guy. My ambition has never been more than to be a layperson. I can talk a game, and I can imagine the priesthood and the monastery, but I suspect God had other plans, or let me follow mine until he brought me here.  My wife reminded me once that in college I talked about becoming a priest, but I have almost no recollection of that…. but apparently it had a traction with the prospective in-laws in terms of chalking up “the damn Yankee” to not even measuring “at least he’s a good provider”. Nix nix to the churchmouse. And then there was the architect thing… like that would have been different. So I followed the family business thing, and that’s worked okay and been a priesthood of its own… or at least if you will, the ticket for my Dad and I to enjoy twenty plus years of co-suffering… and some sweet moments of co-suffering love… once we finally figured “it” (each other) out.

But God gathered me here by hook or crook. And He didn’t seem much interested in asking, nor did I do much questioning, nor even wondering why it took Him so long. LOL! Only He hasn’t been all that specific since, so my guess this is something of a parking place. He’ll let me know what comes next, but at least for now, seems pretty clear I’m to keep on doing what I’m doing or stop cold turkey and build an ark or something. Makes sense. Some of us just aren’t going to: 1) Save the world, 2) Save the Church, 3) Save anyone other than by simply serving as a link in the chain to someone down the road…. if we’re lucky. Might be a space there for me… in the invisible-at-the-time thing. Is it so different? Why do we expect promotion from steerage to first class just because we joined the Church? The Body is key. The genealogy offers many obscure names which by virtue of Christ, became essential.  We too, are made essential wherever we are by Christ, and maybe  we’re that one critical link ourselves or as supporters or friends of  those  who are, and that ought to be enough.

Perhaps this seems a justification for a poverty of ambition. I’m not sure even I believe it… I mean the sin of pride is pretty well known in my bailiwick. But perhaps this is the simple reality. Do we really do ourselves any good by our ambitions to be a “somebody” in the Church? Moreover, do we do the Church any good, or those around us? I’m not convinced. And I’m certainly not convinced that ambitions of this sort – if we are candid with ourselves – necessarily amount to more than adopting a posture unconducive to our professed aspirations. Sainthood as an aspiration for ascension could perhaps be more clearly understood as a path of descent… not into nothingness, but from the sinful false images we erect of ourselves and toward real personhood.

So these are my thoughts as I end the day of my first service as Thurifer… the guy who swings the incense around the place so thick you can’t see what’s going on. And though I wasn’t quick enough to plant all those hand-off kisses on the celebrant’s right-hand, most of the rest seemed to go well enough… even if one of my handlers suggested I looked at one point as if I’d been transported to Ash Wednesday ( charcoal from finger to itchy forehead?). But at least I didn’t burn down the place, or as my wife delicately put it, “End 2,000 years of the Christian Faith in a single errant swing of the Thurible.” And at least more than one said, “Lot’s of smoke…. E-X-C-E-L-L-E-N-T !!”

“Let my prayer arise in thy sight as incense, and let the lifting up of my hands, be an evening’s sacrifice.”

And so as we come to this night, it is my prayer that for all those in need, for all those ailing, for those who serve them, for those on whom they wait, and all those who share suffering in their love, that we might ask our most Holy Immaculate, most blessed and glorious Lady Theotokos and ever Virgin Mary offer her protection, and intercede in asking that in the love of our Lord, He might help all to find peace and rest from these burdens, and if it is His will, that their healing glorify His holy name. Amen.

Inigo Montoya and the Princess Phone

The following is an excerpt from a letter to some of the guys we’re trying to “reach out to” for our 30th college re-union sometime this weekend. There was more, but you don’t really want to know all that. You probably don’t even want to know all this either, but it might bring back some memories… some more recent than others.

I don’t know my cell number. My kids say it wouldn’t matter anyway ’cause “Dad keeps it off”. I even have an i-Phone so that in addition to not taking in-coming calls, I won’t download stuff I can’t read. Although I do get email. Can’t read it too good ’cause the doggone screen… font ONLY gets big enough just before the car moves and you lose the signal. And then there’s all that tapping that goes on next… like on the outside of the window from the guy with the swirling light on top of his car and the gun on his belt. Yeah.

That guy with the pen and the receipt book… like he wants to know how you like your eggs: “With one bullet or two?” Reminds me of the guy with the nasty cigarette down at the Campus Grill  (a.k.a. the Campus Thrill) who’d just as soon as put his out in your coffee or on your head. “Whatcha lookin’ at college boy? So my eyeball bounces like a ping pong ball… I like it that way. How you think I keep this job? Waitin’ on you? fer’ ya’ midget tips… like I’m gonna feed a family of four on 35 cents? Doncha’ know the entertainment when you see it? Gonna be on America’s Got Talent, Ted Mac’s Amateur Hour or something… you’ll see.” And then he texts his buds, “ROTFL!” only they’re too dead from the nicotine and … I mean they’re in his tongue… and he doesn’t have a phone either. But that doesn’t stop him. I mean Shorty’s not all that sober, right? At least I don’t think he is… really… I hope he’s not like this sober… I  mean putting the lightbulb in his mouth like Uncle Fester was one thing… but punching his tongue on different places with his fingers…like they’re numbers is just sooooo out there. Weird. Even for the Thriller. Betcha Catherine Zeta Jones isn’t wondering whose network HE’s on, huh?

And this is so rich I’m punching my i-Phone, trying to tap out “ROTFL” and get a snap at the same time… only I can’t  get more than Safari to open. “Arrggh!”.  And I can’t send to anyone other than me… ’cause putting all that contact information into this thing is a lifetime I don’t have.  And guess what? I didn’t. So I’m puzzled and trying to figure out what time zone or life zone (is there such a thing?) I’m in so I can get one of my kids to help me out: “Um… Dad wants to send a text message… only he doesn’t know how to do it… can you help him out… I mean just do it… without all that mean things you say to him at these times? Thanks!”

Actually, cell phone number is xyz but it’s not hooked up to a gambling website, or Russian Bank, or African despot’s LOC. And I already tried to rip myself off from a remote location and it didn’t work. But if you do manage to get some money out of this thing “’cause it’s like “Three-freaking-Gee” … cut me in, huh? Y’know what this thing’s good for? No… I mean BESIDES Urban Spoon and “Tilt” games…. It’s good if you ever need to whack someone in the head with a phone…. ’cause it weighs a freaking ton and makes a good missile,… or use it as a flashlight… to find your keys. Oh yeah. And am I loving my $90 a month contract for a flashlight? Ya’ think? NOT. No, I’m selling it to the freaking Iranians so they put in on one of THEIR missiles and send it over somewhere useful… like to AT&T headquarters where it counts.. And then maybe if I’m lucky, the FBI will get wind of it, cancel my contract, and pay me not to? Think they could take this whole bit about FTC off my bill and just put an url linking me to the FBI? Now that would be a bill I’d pay!

So the moral of this story… the story of how I ended up here in Guantanmo this weekend instead of at the re-union  …is that this is what happens when you lose a good phone somewhere under a seat and then use it as an “opportunity” to replace it with something ’cause it’s “H-O-T”. Next time… when you see someone on an elevator with their faced squinched up, staring down at an I-phone… don’t think they really like it, that they’re cool, or know what they’re doing. They’re not and they don’t. Fact is, they’re trapped in a contract not of their making… and certainly not of their reading.

So, yeah… just go ahead and ask them.  “How’d ya’ like your i-Phone?” Typically they’ll answer something like Inigo Montoya in that way-macho Action film The  Princess Bride, “My name is Inigo Montoya… You killed my cellphone! Prepare to die!” and they’ll be quite insistent… they might even pull out a sword and say, “Ask me what I want…. anything at all… anything! Promise  me everything! Promise me…. you …. you six fingered  man! Okay… I’ll tell you… ha! I want my OLD cell phone back!”

‘Bout says it all, huh? Oh… BTW… I’m NOT the six fingered man, but it sure would comes in handy trying to press all those doggone buttons on my old phone. Guess that’s what sent me down this path in the first place, huh? But maybe like  Mr. Six Fingers… I’m better off at the other end of Inigo’s sharp pointy thing. Yeah. That’s it.

BloggerDude Spamalot

“I don’t know If I said it already but …Excellent site, keep up the good work. I read a lot of blogs on a daily basis and for the most part, people lack substance but, I just wanted to make a quick comment to say I’m glad I found your blog. Thanks,

A definite great read….” (REITblog)

Hey, I found your blog while searching on Google your post looks very interesting for me. I will add a backlink and bookmark your site. Keep up the good work! (Bill Bartmann)

Yeah. And I’ll bet you spam that to all the blogs. So do you come by here much? or just “bot” a contact to a bunch of IP addresses? I mean I’m flattered? but I’m not even sure what product your email address is supposed to link me to, or how you’re supposed to Dokken my chicken (drive) or whatever it is you’re selling or whether you’re just trying to lodge a “token” in my network so you break through. At least you’re not one of those pharmaceutical-type deals. But y’know what? You actually do come by here too much with the same doggone message… different address. One time you… yeah, y’know who you are (“Bill”) even tried to be this “guy” who was in fact webaddress marketer. No surprise. Soooooo, all my readers are like my “friends” on Facebook? Gee….

But seriously… FWIW, other blogs have a lot more substance. See my “About” for details, or just check out the links. Better yet, fry my chicken.

Oh… and by the way… if you ever “get a life”… seriously… I mean one with breath rather than a “virtual life”… then maybe you’ll want to join me. Figure, I mean… like y’know what I’m talking about Duuuuuuuude?…We could like “reach out” and catch a wave to the snooze bar? Maybe surf the web with the webheads… I dunno. Spam the world, win a Nobel Reeses Pieces Prize? F’sure. Glad to be of substance fer ya.

There… that ought to show’em I don’t got no substance. And I’m not even from Sweeden. Go figure.

Geekin’ with the SubDeacon

So I got a note the other day from a kind reader. I don’t get many notes… maybe it’s a sign… but it got me thinking… and that’s always dangerous. And thinking about one’s geek factor can be even more dangerous.

I mean I’m in in the Western Rite of the Orthodox Church (which wasn’t really part of the conversation with my correspondent)… but if you’d ask, I’d say that in many ways… if not all… my heart’s true home is in the Eastern liturgy. But that’d be too mainstream, right? Right. And we couldn’t do that, now could we? Nope. Like Tina (now it’s Teena, now it’s Tuna… now it’s Tyna) Turner once sang with her ol’ buddy Ike:

‘Course it sort of starts with a duet:

“… and we never ever do anything… nice and easy… now do we? So we’re gonna take the beginning of this song…”

“Left a small WASPy church in the Sub-burbs…”

“…and we’re gonna do it… nice and easy…”

“…’started workin’ Orthodoxy’s… downtown scenes…”

“… and then we’re gonna make it… nice and rough…”

Then they start singing together:

“…but we never missed, one eison in a service”

worryin’ bout the way things might have been…

Chorus:

Shakin’ censors…they keep on smokin’

Hail Holy Theotokos… we keep on hopin’…

Chantin’…

Chantin’…

Chantin’ on a Sunday

Swung a lot of incense in matins
Pumped double antidorons jus’ tryin’ to live

Feet an’ knees a creakin’

standin’ by the Subdeacon…
Whoa… h-o-w-o-w the Body is hap-py to give

Shakin’ censors…they keep on smokin’

We’re catholic… now but… we’re still not Popin’…

Chantin’…

Chantin’…

Chantin’ on a Sunday

Yes, it’s just my luck to be in an off-beat rite in an off-beat church. How much geekier can it get? Thomas Merton said God has a sense of humor… and his Buddhist friend Suzuki… who had deal with the fact that his family named him after a motorcycle…. agreed citing the inch worm as proof. Like it would never occur to him to cite his friend Harley Davidson? Nope, couldn’t do that! …as if. I mean… just shows how little these guys really knew, huh? Only I’m thinking they were probably ex-football players or ex-something… and then did the monk thing just ’cause it would be “more ex”, “cool”, “impress the chicks”, etc…. only to find that:

“Hello… you guys just took a vow of chastity…”.

“We did what?”

“Hey… I’m Japanese… if I signed anything like that it must be a language thing…”

“It was IN Japanese!”

“Well…  that let’s me out… I’m American… we don’t do foreign languages, much less math, state capitals… hey is this a game show?”

“Not exactly, guys… more like a MON-a-STERY… emphasis on the stairs… and you’ll be running them… in your sweats from now on. ”

“Signed on the line! Sweet!”

“Oh… I am so Shih Tzuud.”

“Nah… I’m thinkin’ more like we’ve been Basenjied”.

Might say we’re all in a game of “gotcha”… only some of us know and some of us don’t. Some are just playin’ and others playin’ for keeps. Enter the Orthodox Parallelogram, and first thing you know books start coming at you like that door in the opening narrative to Rod Serling’s Twilight Zone :

Twilight Zone narrative by Rod Serling.

Yep, here in the Orthodox Parallelogram, we’ve got books for everything under the sun. But the one thing you really want to know… you’ll probably have to read a zillion books just to find. And then that one thing… whatever it is… will shift and become one other thing… and then another thing, and another and another. Until…

Until one day you realize that one of those things you gotta love about the Western Rite is the infinite number of “experts” who have never actually been to a service… but have somehow judged it from afar…. and surprise… surprise… found it (drum roll please)… unworthy. Hey, it’s a free country, folks are free to think what you want to think, go where you want to go, and get stuck where you want to get stuck… or maybe they just get stuck anyway. There are many reasons to like or dislike something, but articulating it is often a touch more difficult. That’s where things can get kind of weird. Try listening to a guy tell his wife he doesn’t like her dress. Tends to go down hill from the first word that doesn’t sound like: “So where’d you want to go for dinner?” Trust me… I ONLY learn things the hard way in life!… only to forget them later and learn them again.

So the point is that if you don’t like the Western Rite, and they’re plenty of you out there, let me say that y’know… when you think about it… it’s here. And kind of like your wife in her new dress… either be gentle… or rip it with some sensitivity… like you’re really concerned:

“Gee…that’s nice, but I thought you were gonna pick out something more… y’know… Gustavo Cadile-like… or is ol’ Gus just too last year?”

“Whaddya mean? These jeans? Ha! But that’s a great idea… I’ll be back in 30 minutes!”

“Ah… that’d be an ooops.”

Then again… sometimes… it’s not always the answer either. But at least you tried, and at least you’ll get a smile BEFORE you get whacked in the head… or the wallet. But the point is that this takes a bit of research, most don’t do it, and even if you do, you can still wind up on the pavement… one way or the other. And as this relates to the negatives of the Western Rite, let me simply say that I’ve heard a lot, seen a lot, and probably shared a lot of what people “think”. It has its blessings and what not, but sadly “what not” seems to be most of what you’ll see and most of this is just sadly misinformed. FWIW, I thought I’d point a link here for those geek enough to do the research… as to something a little more authoritative on the liturgy than the average ripster is going to touch… which just happens to be written by my priest.

My view? I’m hanging with Bishop Basil’s comments. But fair enough…one day, I may end up in the Liturgy of St. John… and that’d be fine, too. The truth is that I think this liturgical style faddishness… or preference… seems like arguing about whether a left hand or right hand Orthodox pitcher is “better” when all that matters is pitching it consistently over the plate and winning the game. Distractions are distractions. Let’s worry ’bout the real deal, and just follow Jesus Christ.

And if you’re really geek enough… really an Orthodox geek… then you don’t just leave it at WWJD (“What would Jesus do?”). No. That’s far too simple. You’re working on that while multi-tasking hesychastically on that even tougher question:  “What would the Subdeacon do?”

M.C.Steenberg, St.G. and the Life of Moses

I’m a fan of Deacon Matthew Steenberg’s “A Word from the Holy Fathers” podcast on Ancient Faith Radio. He offers lectures that humble our more simple minds – or at least mine! into realizing… well… we may actually have missed a few things in our reading. Clearly. On my own, reading of St. Gregory of Nyssa’s Life of Moses saw simply a text of allegorical augmentation, that while amazing in its own right, seemed increasingly difficult to more than wonder at. Given my own limitations, I doubt I would ever have seen the text as did St. Gregory… which of course underscores his gifts. And yes, while it feeds an appreciation for the Antioch School’s more literal emphasis and drive towards spiritual  reading in general, St. Gregory’s example seems to give a particularly good example of its own.

But what is of interest to me here in this excerpt from the broadcast is more than St. Gregory’s insight. For wonderful as it is, inevitably admission of our own more limited responses can lead unconstructively towards that small voice of logismoi that says, “What about me? What sort of dust does this leave me in?” So I am thankful that Deacon Matthew’s focus pulls from this text gifts of many measure – including an answer to this voice, and I recommend listening to the whole of it (as well as all his other podcasts!)… but for those more strapped for time, here’s my transcription of a key section:

“…So in the spiritual life, St. Gregory is explicit: If we wish to ascend, if we wish to grow, if we wish to associate intimately with God, as he says, then we must in our spiritual life in due course and when God calls us, move beyond things visible into that realm where the understanding does not reach.” That is the phrase that echoes out of this passage in St. Gregory’s text. One must ascend there into the darkness and believe that God is there… where the understanding does not reach.” This is the height of true intimate communion, when we are no longer gazing out to see God from afar, when we are no longer using the physical senses, the rational mind, our intellectual faculties to think about God however accurately, or to look towards God however clearly. But in a darkness that goes beyond our senses we can be called simply to be with him, to have an intimate converse, an intimate connection, a true communion with the Living Lord.

Let us be very clear: This is the height of spiritual life. Moses was called by God. He is known to us as the God seer, the one who gives the Divine Law to the people. In a true way, he is one of the great forefathers of our Christian life and calling. And this is the height of his spiritual ascent.

We must be very careful that we do not look to this passage and think that by some great virtue of our own ascesis, of our own will, we will ascend in this same simple manner up the mountain into darkness, into divine revelation. Most of us are far more burdened by our sin, (and) far less willing than was the Great Moses to shed all the things in our life which hinder us. For most of us, we will spend the entirety of our lives to the very moments of our death struggling up the first few steps of the mountain. And this is not a thing to be lamented. The fact that we may, through our sinfulness, never attain the height of the greatest of saints does not mean that each step we are, by God’s grace, gifted to take is not something miraculous, wonderful and holy.

Let us remember that Moses ascends the mountain – not the people of Israel; and yet through his ascent, through his mystical converse, through his truly intimate communion with the Lord, the whole people receives the divine law. Through his solitary ascent and real communion, all of the earth – even us today- receives the divine voice which he heard on that mountain top. We are sanctified by one another. And while we through our weakness, while I through my sin, may never reach that point of mystical communion, there are others alive in our day, and God always provides those who truly and obediently follow him, who do reach this state, and by their communion with the Lord, we too, are fed, we too receive divine instruction. This is itself revealed in the story of Moses.